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Another Interview with a Steve

Again, apologies to my favourite satirists, John Clarke and Bryan Dawe, who have not written or authorised this parody but probably would have if they were remotely interested in the shenanigans of our Club.

Clarke and Dawe


Bryan Dawe checks on Fremantle's KPIs.

BRYAN DAWE: Welcome back, Steve. 

JOHN CLARKE: Thank you, Bryan. So pleased to be here. (Looking down the camera barrel) And it is so good to be with you, too.

BRYAN DAWE: Okay… So, how do you think the season has kicked off for the Fremantle Dockers Football Club, Steve? 

JOHN CLARKE: Actually, really well. Our new jumpers, scarves, flags, watches, golf-bags, shirts, shorts, caps and mugs sold really well – especially in the lead up to Christmas. The bobble-head Ballantyne miniatures had to be re-ordered, twice! A very popular item. I believe Matthew Scarlett bought a dozen.

BRYAN DAWE: Sure, Steve. But the Fremantle team’s recent performances haven’t been very good, have they?

JOHN CLARKE: Yes, it’s true our key rings, badges, mouse-mats, pens and coffee mugs haven’t been selling. The whole team spent a lot of time analysing the return on investment and have identified poor quality control at the factory in Shenzhen.

BRYAN DAWE: Steve, but what about your football side – the players? Have you been pleased with their on-field performances?

JOHN CLARKE: Look, it is fair to say that we haven’t been setting the world on fire on the field, Bryan. But we have been rating our socks off on the TV. (Looks into the camera lens again and gives the “thumbs up”)

BRYAN DAWE: Are you concerned that your members aren’t at all happy about the players’ performances on the field?

JOHN CLARKE: Now that’s the type of comment that has been published of late that just isn’t accurate. Our members are very happy.

BRYAN DAWE: Really? From what I’ve read, they don’t seem at all satisfied with the quality of the football played by the Dockers.

JOHN CLARKE: That’s just a vocal minority. Just look how we are filling out Patersons Stadium and our surging TV ratings! (Winks at the camera) So many more people are watching Fremantle on TV and going to the games. You can’t argue with the numbers, Bryan.

BRYAN DAWE: Well we can, actually.

JOHN CLARKE: And the bobble-headed Ballantyne sales. It’s all good!

BRYAN DAWE: Steve, you’ve had two Friday night games so far this year and this timeslot is always a winner, no matter who is playing. How many Friday night games did you have at the start of the 2011 season?

JOHN CLARKE: I can’t remember. Harvey was coaching then.

BRYAN DAWE: And the crowds at Patersons Stadium are down this year too, I believe.

JOHN CLARKE: That’s just seasonal, Bryan. You’ll find that by the end of the year the crowd numbers will be fantastic.

BRYAN DAWE: But you can’t be happy with the team’s on-field exploits. Your team is struggling to kick one goal per quarter.

JOHN CLARKE: You see, you’ve fallen into the group-think trap. Football clubs aren’t all about kicking goals.

BRYAN DAWE: They are not?

JOHN CLARKE: No, as I pointed out to the members at last year’s Members Meeting, you have to be in a strong financial position to be successful on the field. Bryan, our Club has a whole lot of KPIs and kicking goals isn’t one of them.

BRYAN DAWE: But at that meeting didn’t you promise the members success in 2012?

JOHN CLARKE: What I said was that we would focus on playing finals in 2012 and being a serious contender. That doesn’t mean we will be a serious contender. We have a long-term view at the Fremantle Dockers Football Club, Bryan.

BRYAN DAWE: So you have a long-term view but you are still focussing on the 2012 finals? Can you do both, Steve?

JOHN CLARKE: Of course! Just this week Ross Lyon identified that some rebuilding was necessary as it was obvious that a number of the players weren’t up to the standard required. But we still intend to challenge for the flag.

BRYAN DAWE: So you are rebuilding, restructuring and challenging for the 2012 Premiership all at the same time.


BRYAN DAWE: How has Ross Lyon settled in to the Club?

JOHN CLARKE: Very well. He loves it here.

BRYAN DAWE: I notice that Ross hasn’t predicted any long or short term successes. Could you tell us where your team is likely to finish at the end of the Home And Away, Steve?

JOHN CLARKE: My team, or the Dockers.

BRYAN DAWE: The Dockers.

JOHN CLARKE: Oh. Not as well as my team… but that isn’t really important. What is important is the continual improvement of the Fremantle Dockers Football Club.

BRYAN DAWE: But the Dockers have gone backwards this year, Steve!

JOHN CLARKE: Do I have to tell you about the bobble-headed Ballantyne again, Bryan.

BRYAN DAWE: Good night, Steve.

JOHN CLARKE: (To the camera) Good night everyone.