Yes it's been a tough day, week, month and year so far, but the grass is still pretty green around here. In fact it's not only green, it's purple, red and white baby yeah.

Okay, maybe I've spent too much time in the garden lately, but being in the purple can still be a lustrous, non-invasive and calming place to be. Despite some unfortunate batches and cross-pollination, there remains little selectively in-bred and prickly features so common in other varieties.

So why is it so good to have a green, purple, red and white garden? Well read on..

Fremantlei Doktori

Whilst its performance can be selective and based on mood or environment, it can also thrive in the most unexpected conditions (eg. responds especially well to heavy metal music). Many criticise that a regular weeding is too often required, but presentation regularly looks spectacular towards the end of summer, before wilting in winter, especially when given mid-strength beer.

Adeladious Crocus

Common to sparsely-populated regions such as Adelaide; its bemusing colouration is often compared to a chinook salmon and therefore like John West, is often rejected (colour's all over the place). Was originally incorrectly identified as a crocus, but is actually an Adeladious Raveni. Nevertheless, Adeladious Crocus stuck.

Brisvegieus Lionsis

Was once known as traditional and much-loved cold weather variety, Fitzroyis Defunctus. Genetic engineering however has resulted in it becoming more successful in sub-tropical climates. Has become far too flashy and ostentatious as a result, and whilst looking spectacular briefly, now smells a bit funny and prefers to face away from the sun.

Carltoni Blusis

Being navy blue in colour means lack of photosynthesis. Recent bland performances may be a result of this, yet perhaps due to unseasonable weather and the addition of a rare high quality fertiliser (potion remedy #5), it is experiencing a brief spurt of growth.

Colonwoodus Magnus

Invasive and aggressive, it demands to be the only plant in the garden. Paradoxically has a large following of devotees, despite being ugly as all buggery and not flowering for 18 years.

Essenbombius

Some think it can grow even at high altitude, but in fact comes from a swampy area near a second-rate suburban airport that no one likes to visit unless you need to buy a cheap pair of dungarees and a new spade.

Geebung Catnipius

Bland in outward appearance and not quite as chinooky as Adeladious Crocus, but due to high levels of in-breeding has evolved into a strong variety, despite coming from an environment that actually gets colder when the sun shines.

Hawthornis Hubris

Loves the brown so much it refuses to process nutrients completely and retains the colours of compost. Very iffy strain, yet the younger breeds are becoming quite successful. Also grows in northern Tasmania, yet no-one knows why.

Melbonius Demoanus

Has lost its popularity, especially among elite devotees, and costs way too much to maintain. As a result may become extinct unless conservation funding grants keep it alive.

Northus Melbinnus

Similar to Melbonius Demoanus, it is also under threat after a recent experiment of transplantation to warmer climes failed. Some varieties have tried to take root in indoor areas such as bathrooms, with alarming and well-reported results; however despite its distinctively resplendent blue and white colour (resembling East Fremantlei Sharkus), it struggles to make a lasting impression.

Portious Adeladious

Has a distinct, sickly teal hue; and despite early growth success, often falls in a heap when exposed. Doesn't react well when choked, and despite fortnightly organised mass appreciation viewings, attendance is usually low.

Richmondi Tigris

This is the only variety in the list with cannibalistic tendencies; yet whilst often seen consuming others of its kind, it is mostly harmless to other varieties.

Santos Kildi

Will only thrive in flood conditions. Often administered by specialists treating insomnia (either via inhaling or injecting - sometimes simultaneously).

Sydonus Swanus

Also only successful during or after a massive flood. When combined with Santos Kildi, growth is restricted sideways or backwards - rarely forward. Sydonus Swanus is very similar in colouration to another thick-trunked variety: Southus Fremantlei Buldogis. (Easiest way to discern the difference between the two is place Buldogis in an open, dry environment and it will emit an annoying high-pitched whine. Only when relocated to a shaded area, such as a pergola or covered bar, will Buldogis stop whining. Failing having an enclosed, well-watered area handy, a peaked cap will suffice - although dwindling stocks have resulted in many now being numbered.)

Westonus Buldogis

Still referred by many devotees as Footscragius. Often a good performer during winter, it will rarely survive past August.

Westcoastis Scumus

Has a slimy texture, which has been the cause of making many people sick to the stomach. A malevolent Western Australian variety, it will spread across the entire state if not kept in check and monitored. Has been recommended by some authorities to be classed as an illicit substance and even deregistered from official classification. It has also been suggested as an appropriate decoration for confined areas, such as prison cells. Adherents, whilst not generally regarded as widely knowledgeable on this or indeed any other variety, have demanded Westcoastis Scumus become the representative emblem of WA. Devotees have also been seen to act aggressively, but usually only in groups.