I haven’t seen the movie myself, but I believe it centres around a fellow who forgoes the pleasures of the flesh for the said time period.
Luxury, mate, luxury.
Believe me, a month or so of fending off one’s own advances is nothing compared to the ordeals endured by myself in an attempt to satisfy cravings.
Four weeks ago, Dockerland ceased to exist. Well, for me anyway. Just take a moment to reflect on that. You can’t open Dockerland. At all. No match previews, match reports, posts from fellow Dockerlanders, nothing, just a blank page staring at you.
Now I’ve never been one for diary keeping, but being concerned I may be found lying across a set of railroad tracks for no apparent reason, I did manage to record a log of events just in case.
D-day minus 6: Stupid satellite’s timed out again. Can’t wait to get the new wireless on.
D-day minus 5: Just got the new wireless ISP installed. Purple Jesus she’s fast! If this is NBN foreplay, bring it on!
D-day minus 3: Dockerland’s timed out on me. Must be a lot of bandwagoners onboard. Stupid success.
D-day minus 1: Dockerland’s struggling today, can barely get a post in without a timeout.
D-Day: Dockerland won’t open. At all. Server must be down. I’m sure Shane’s onto it. Wonder how everyone else is coping?
D-day plus 1: Still no luck. Must be serious. Best of luck Shane.
D-day plus 2: Starting to wonder if it’s just me. There’d be rioting in the streets by now surely.
D-day plus 3: Did I say something wrong? Don’t remember bagging Easts. I’ve had my share of posts go missing but this is something else. Sheep dogs sense something is wrong, they hightail it to the hills.
D-day plus 4: Maybe it’s all forums. Head over to EaglesFlyingHigh (if anyone’s infected, it’d be them). Works fine. Feel dirty, need a drink. Post a topic begging for help on the site using mrsoz’s new Iphone thingamajiggy for the first time ever. Realise I have fat thumbs.
D-day plus 5: Email Shane. Three replies later he asks me to click on a link called hidemyass.com. Click on it with one eye closed, remembering Campbell Brown in a Meter Maid outfit. Woohoo! Site opens up! Don’t care how or why, thanks Shane, got some browsing to do.
D-day plus 6: Hidemyass won’t open site. Getting used to typing with thumbs. Mrsoz slips a phamplet about depression under my pillow.
D-day plus 9: ISP tech assures me problem will be fixed tomorrow. Has cleared my browsing history (They can see that? Oh crap….) and rebooted the modem antenna watyamacallit thingy.
D-day plus 11: Spend the day in the office doing books. Site still won’t load. BAS (not the Mercury related one) done in record time.
D-day plus 12: Mrsoz getting cranky. Wants her phone back. Listen love, it was for better or for worse and it can’t get much worse than this!
D –d ay plus 14: Can’t believe Richmond beat us. Sorry MJ, can’t get on to bat for you. I imagine the goat herders will be out in force. Mrsoz hides the keys to the gun cabinet.
D-day plus 15: One hour on phone to the ISP techs. “Yes I’ve done a spyware scan, no it’s not the anti virus, I’ve disabled it. Fine, uninstall it then, oh look, no difference!” Hidemyass working tonight, gonna be a postfest. Dinner goes cold while I’m busy. Mrsoz asks if I’m coming to bed (she’s had fifteen days of opportunity and asks tonight??). I finally go to bed on the couch. Dogs return home.
D-day plus 16: Take computer into techs. Fellow dockerlander receptionist is very sympathetic. Eagle tech not so. I smell a conspiracy.
D-day plus 18: Should be putting crop in, but heading out bush to Yalgoo on flimsy excuse of helping parents-in-laws with the muster, when really all I’m after is their satellite connection.
D-day plus 19: Furious at missing the Poetry Smackdown post. Maybe it was for the better….
D-day plus 20: Heading down to Perth for big game tomorrow. Have stolen mrsoz’s phone – doesn’t work out there anyways. Getting better at driving the damn thing.
Derby day: Less said the better. Realise midway I’ve forgotten to steal the phone charger as well. Nut out browsing on my old clunker. Will worry about phone bill later.
D-day plus 21: Long, long, long drive home. Father-in-law very happy. Pick up computer from techs. Nothing wrong with it (ya think?). Crap weekend all round really. Decide I’d better put this up before I really do my block. Hopefully I can get on…….
D-day plus 22: Turns out I can’t post a blog through the proxy server. Dogs are nowhere to be seen.
D-day plus 30: Beginning to accept my fate. Occasionally get on through the computer, mostly through the phones.
D-day plus 35: Computer working properly. No idea why but I’ll take it while it lasts.
D-day plus 37: Find dogs sleeping at doorstep in the morning. Site still loading up. Dare to dream.
D-day plus 39: I’m calling it. Problem solved. Things have returned to normal.
D-day plus 40: Still working. Thought I might have jinxed it. Happy days are here again. Mrsoz grateful for phone return. I have some brownie points to earn back.
So what have I learned through this ordeal? Perhaps I can offer some advice to fellow dockerees should the same weird fate befall them. First, there are emotional stages you will go through.
1.) Denial – Click refresh one more time. It has to work. Maybe if I restart the computer. Virus scans might have missed something.
2.) Anger – Stupid lousy ISP. How dare they come here with false promises of super speeds and huge data allowances?
3.) Bargaining – Look, I’ll only have your phone for the day, you can use mine instead, and I’ll pay the bill. I promise.
4.) Depression/guilt – Why did I change? The satellite wasn’t that bad really.
5.) Acceptance – I suppose the phones aren’t all bad. At least I can login away from home.
Secondly, don’t try and hide your problem. Hastily shoving the phone in your pocket and saying “Nothing” when someone asks you what you’re looking at will only make them think you’re doing something dodgey.
Thirdly, and finally, learn to adapt. Friends are surprisingly willing to lend you their phones. Internet cafes aren’t that expensive. Wives are willing to believe they’ve lost their phone instead of you pinching it. Just remember to clear your login details. Can I use that as an excuse for some very ordinary posts in the last month?