 | It's a common scene over the summer. A bloke plays a bad cricket shot, he gets a dud decision from the umpire, some fat, slow bloke takes a freak catch in slips and his day is over. He walks back to the pavilion and smashes the changeroom door to splinters with his bat. It doesn't get him anywhere but it feels pretty good. This week Fremantle are playing the Melbourne Changeroom Doors. | After a long season where the combined forces of God's universe and the Andrew Demetriou's AFL have come together to bugger things up for Fremantle, it's time to walk up to the dead wood operating as the Melbourne Football Club and give them a good old fashioned whack over the head with the metaphorical lump of willow. It won't get Fremantle into the finals, it won't fix up Justin Longmuir's knee or Aaron Sandiland's groin, it won't get the coach back and it won't ceverse the rotation of the Earth to take us back in time to half way through the third quarter against Port Adelaide. But it will be fun to watch. First things first. In 1997, Melbourne stopped Fremantle from making the finals for the first time in the club's history and then buggered off with their only concession when entering the AFL - Jeff White. When the siren sounds, Shaun McManus should run off the wing, head straight for Brock McLean and clean him up. Some people might think Jeff White would be a better target but, with his performances over the past 10 years, Jeff appears to have gained their trust so he can bring the club down from the inside. While the umpire is distracted putting McManus's name in the book, Troy Cook should be free to work over Travis Johnstone to alleviate some of the frustration over the pre-season tribunal results. | | From Michael Johnson's 4 week suspension for having a big arse, Jeff Farmer's 6 weeks for something that looked a bit iffy, Dean Solomon brushing against someone's thigh, Stompy Dodd stepping on someone's foot all the way through to Steven Baker only getting 7 weeks for an off the ball king hit.
In fact, with the list as long as it is, Cookie's going to need more time than just the few seconds it takes to report Macca if he's going to get through even the selected highlights of the tribunal, it might take a full on donnybrook to distract them - Des Headland's going to have to get involved.
Jeff Farmer hasn't had much of a season. He was put out for 6 weeks for eyebrow abuse in the pre-season. Put out for another 6 weeks for breaking a team rule about not punching on with bouncers (a fairly specific rule but the leadership group at Fremantle like to allow for every eventuality). The cold Sydney air had a crack at his hamstring and put him out for another couple of weeks after setting the game ablaze in his return to footy, and he had his nose busted by a bloke who would have to clean his game up to meet the criteria for a sniper. But Jeff doesn't go in for all this violent stuff, as shown by his reasoned letter to the AFL to pardon the bloke who hospitalised him. So Jeff would ask, what would Purple Jesus do - he'd celebrate kicking his 10th goal of the game by doing an entire lap of the ground, giving supporters high fives as he went.
Another bloke who’s been in a bit of trouble here and there is Chris Tarrant. When he arrived at Fremantle he was a goal kicking machine but, perhaps jealous of his success, on his first trip back home to Melbourne, they spent millions of dollars in advertising messing with his head. He returned a broken man and his kicking has deteriorated to the point where he is only twice as accurate as Quenton Lynch. For that act of bastardry, Tarrant is going to have to goosify Cameron Bruce with a speckky mark that he plays on from and dobs a goal from the third row back in the old Town and Country stand.
Of course, while the trials and tribulations of the season have been often and numerous, there's still a whole bunch of things that have happened to Fremantle over the years that have never really been resolved and are bubbling under the surface. For the Dockers to move on and start 2008 fresh, they should really find closure ... by teaching a Melbourne player to eat grass. Josh Carr can drop Mark Jamar for that time the umpire marked the ball. Daniel Ward can learn what it's like to feel the chiselled biceps of Heath Black, for the time Mick McGuane got a free kick after a goal for punching Scott Chisholm, Stompy Dodd can wipe the smile of Brad Miller's face over the potential salary cap breach that never happened and Daniel Gilmore can, well, maybe he could pick a fight with someone much bigger than him.
It's not all about violence though. That's just one of the meats of the rich stew of revenge. Luke McPharlin can discuss the finer points of the whole siren gate scandal by way of winning himself a car for Mark of the Year, Matthew Pavlich will make up for the whole Damian Drum fiasco by locking up the Coleman Medal a week early and Brett Peake can shut the door on everything the Eagles have ever done to the Dockers by running the length of the ground, selling 17 dummies on the way, then running back to the centre and unloading with an ability defying torpedo to win himself Goal of the Year.
It won't get them a flag, it won't make up for missing the finals but it'll be a bloody good day out at the footy and, when Fremantle get themselves a comfortable 10 goals or so in front, the 40,000 people start doing the Mexican Wave after missing out on the finals, the galahs will be squawking all summer long and everyone will know the name of the Fremantle Dockers.
The Teams
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