 | Cunning strategy, sharp skills, team work and blokes as fit as buggery are the weapons Fremantle will be calling on when they take West Coast in the Wizard Cup Derby. Injuries, off field distractions, the lunar calendar and preparing for round one will be the excuses West Coast will call on when they lose to Fremantle in the Preseason Derby. It's a certainty. | | It seems that at this time of the year, the Eagles have always got a safety net in place. They're either concentrating on the premiership season or they don't want to have to travel or they've been cut down by crippling injuries to middle aged rookies. All these excuses are cobbled together by the marketing department in case they lose, all the while planning an all out assault on the pre-season cup. It back fired a bit last year when they made it to the Grand Final but had their pants pulled down by the mighty Carlton Blues who kicked on to finish the season in last place. It was hard to weasel out of that one. This year though, the Eagles have out done themselves in the excuse making distraction department. For those who have bee living under a rock, or who watch Channel 7 News, there was a bit of an incident involving the reigning Brownlow Medallist last week. From our interviews with West Coast supporters we understand events went something like this. Ben Cousins had been out at a close friends wedding and, after the happy couple left the reception to play board games in their hotel room, Ben headed off home. | | St Ben had only had a couple of glasses of alter wine on the night in question so there was no reason he wouldn't be able to drive home but, on approaching a mobile breathe testing unit in Applecross, he spied a poor, crippled orphan boy who's poor, crippled puppy dog had run away. He jumped out of the car and chased the puppy but it was too late, the dog had bitten Michael Gardiner and they felt it best to put him down. The dog survived though, so Ben wrapped it in his shirt and reunited it with the poor orphan, who was also crippled. When Ben returned to his car he found it had been towed away and the so called "Booze Bus" was gone. Unfortunately the tall poppy syndrome came into effect and the press jumped to conclusions, whipping up a media storm to demonise the Eagles hero. So Ben decided to resign from the captaincy for the good of his club to avoid any more media attacks on the good people of West Coast Eagles Inc.
What that means now is that the Eagles don't have a captain. They also don't have a forward line, their players can't cross the road without getting hit by a car, they look like being relocated to Cockburn and their coach seems to spend his time wandering around sporting stadiums looking for toilets like an incontinent member of Spinal Tap. The only bloke who seems to know where he's at is Michael Gardiner - he's at Claremont. They're completely without a sense of direction at the moment. Expect whoever is forced to toss the coin to walk out with a compass and sextant desperately trying to get some sort of bearing.
The place is falling apart, it's the worst case of Lost Premiership Hangover ever. Like the Caulfield Cup winner Mummify, they had some good runs and early success and a courageous effort almost got them over the line again last year but this time the run broke them and it's time for them to be put out of their misery. Draw the curtain and let the vet finish the job. It's the only way to end the pain.
Meanwhile, down at the port, Fremantle have been going about their business with the focus of a French super villain in an American film. Training hard, staying out of trouble, putt all their energy into preparing to get the footy and kick the footy through the big sticks. Brett Peake has been lifting weights in his sleep, running while he eats, eating while he lifts weights and sleeping while runs. He's now huge, he's quick, he's skilled and, not just because his name is Peake, he's moved into favouritism for the Clinton Wolf Medal. After he dosidos around the last two Brownlow medallists on Sunday his price is expected to shorten further.
Despite all his extra training, the big factor in Peake's development as All Australian Rover will come from the All Australian ruckman, Aaron Sandilands. Not many thought it possible but Sandilands has gotten bigger. In fact, Sandilands is so big, there are suspicions he's actually five blokes joined together Voltron style. DNA tests were being carried out to make sure all parts of his body are actually the same person but the tester mysteriously disappeared when he mistakenly showed up at Sandilands house for dinner. All they found of him were his clothes and 10 empty packets of Continental Pasta & Sauce.
Another player who's had a big pre-season from the East Fremantle production line is Paul Haslbey. He's dropped three X's off his shorts size and has got himself so thin he's been nicknamed The Carpenter after Richard's sister. With his back in good order and the umpires cracking down on tagging, he'll be one of the main rivals to Peake and Sandilands in their quest for the Brownlow this year.
In fact, there are Brownlow medal fancies all over the ground for Fremantle, at least when they're stacked up against their opposition this week. McPharlin and Polak pulling down grabs at will in the forward fifty, Jeff Farmer and Paul Medhurst brimming with confidence and starved of an audience for 6 months, the Josh Carr, who's at his most vicious in February, joining up with his brother and Ryan Crowley to settle some scores from London, Byron Schammer a ball of muscle just waiting for someone to get in his way, Justin "The Cleaner" Longmuir running around making problems go away and, if he decides to play, Matthew Pavlich doing the football equivilent of Keanu Reeves in that movie with the guy from Proof.
If they weren't a bunch of scarf wearing, chardonnay sipping, poncing about in four wheel drive, northern suburb loving soulless freaks, you'd almost feel sorry for the Eagles supports. As it is, we'll be taking bets on when they're shipping their club off to the glue factory. At the moment they're odds on to be in a bottle of Clag by June.
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