An ass lemon story.
This bloke goes into a pub with a little capuchin monkey on his shoulder. As the bloke fronts the bar, the monkey hops off and cruises up and down the bar grabbing beernuts and people's lemon wedges and stuff and just eating it all as he goes. He then hops onto the pool table and swallows the eightball. Everyone was laughing until this part and the barman gets a bit upset, causing the monkey's owner to apologise and offer to pay for a replacement. "Sorry about that," he says, "the little bugger just eats everything."
A couple of weeks later, the bloke comes in again and this time the the monkey hops off his shoulder, grabs an olive out of someone's drink, sticks it up his bum and then eats it. He wanders down the bar, grabs a lime, shoves that up the date then eats that too. People are getting justifiably freaked out and the bloke says "Sorry, everyone. He still eats everything but, after the eightball, he measures stuff first."
