On the other hand he had an opportunity. He’s a big picture sort of bloke and here he had a young exciting club with Coast in the name, a Matera in the team and Guy McKenna swanning about cracking jokes. Harvey knew there were a lot of kids that would never turn to the purple side but if he could sway them over to the Suns instead of the Eagles, he might just be able to save the world from a lot of evil. 

 

Then there was the fact that he had his eye on half the Suns squad as potential targets for Freo in a couple of years time and no one wants to join team they’ve recently been belted by (Greg Broughton excluded). 

 

But solving problems like these, and being able to evenly space witch’s hats, is why coaches pull down the big dollars so Mark Harvey decided to see how the game played out and let his natural coaching instincts decide where to take things. 

 

When he got to the ground the first thing he notice was a wind blowing from the west, the sort Dutch sailors still sing about. Matthew Pavlich was playing his 250th game but Gary Ablett is a bastard, so the Suns won the toss and decided to kick with the wind. 

 

Luckily for Fremantle though, Mark Harvey had forced them to sit through a 12 hour seminar on wind from John Longley a few months back (it was actually only supposed to be a 15 minute talk on leadership but once he got going they couldn’t shut him up) and they were well equipped to handle anything up to 25 knots. 

 

Nevertheless, it was a bit of a scrappy affair early as two teams unaccustomed to the wet came to grips with an unusually slippery Subiaco Oval. Nat Fyfe was the first to capture the focus of the crowd (also unaccustomed to the wet) with a beautiful run down the wing, a handpass off to Ballantyne, a handpass back and then, running into an open goal, smacking the ball into the post in what, from a player of his skill level could only have been an ironic tribute to the skipper for game 250. 

 

They brought it back quickly for a major though, with East Fremantle’s Jon Griffin pulling down a screamer at full forward and jailing it for the opening goal...halfway through the first quarter. 

 

Things livened up a bit after that, unfortunately they livened up a bit too much for the blokes in the high visibility shirts. Trent McKenzie pavliched the ball from the centre square off half a step, after a very suspicious free kick, to level the scores before Nat Fyfe got caught in a shootout with the Gold Coast. 

 

He returned fire with a similar kick from 60 metres out, but into the gale then two very suspicious fifty metre penalties handed the Gold Coast the lead. 

 

The crowd turned nasty but were quickly subdued when Nat Fyfe brought down a screamer in the pocket and this time avoided any tributes, kicking a handy settler - but Gary Ablett’s kid kicked a late goal to give the Suns back the lead going into the first change. 

 

Much like the time he broke the pair of lady’s sunglasses he’d accidentally bought, Mark Harvey had mixed feelings about the first quarter. They’d done enough to suggest they were dominating the Suns but they hadn’t done enough damage in front of goals. As he addressed the players he gave his coaching brains trust the job of coming up with a brilliant tactical maneuver that would address the issue and markedly improve their scoring potency. It was a short meeting and an even shorter solution - Pav. 

 

It was radical. It was risky. It was the sort of move, and the ability to use a whistle without it filling up with spit, that coaches get paid the big bucks to come up with. So the move was made, Matthew Pavlich at centre half forward. 

 

As soon as Ryan Crowley had finished being a goose, Matthew Pavlich had his first goal on the board. Two minutes later he had his second. 8 seconds after that he had his third. He was on track to kick ten goals...for the quarter. 

 

But Mark Harvey was having second thoughts.  A ten goal quarter from Pav would surely be bad for his plans to lure young children to the Gold Coast...wait, that didn’t come out right...his plans to steal the hearts of West Australian children and deliver them to Guy McKenna....no, not that either...his plans to see kids putting on orange jumpers...well, hopefully you get the idea anyway. 

 

So he sent Pav back to the middle. Some say God cried, others will tell you a low pressure system brought rain but Fremantle’s burst of goal kicking fury came to a quick halt as water fell from the sky. The Gold Coast got a freak goal when Josh Fraser managed a spell of competence in front of goals and Pav’s 10 goal quarter was off the cards. 

 

East Fremantle’s Jon Griffin produced a miracle goal out of the ruck that had Aaron Sandilands nervously shuffling in the stands (that stand was later cleared by the fire department due to structural issues)  but the Gold Coast were showing more skills in the wet and Fremantle coughed up two late goals to go into the big break three points the lesser side. 

 

The crowd were in a bit of shock when the siren sounded. They were happy for Fremantle to put in a scrappy effort, in difficult conditions, still with a long list of injuries and be in front. They weren’t quite as accepting for the team to be getting beaten by a bunch of kids with a rugby player at full back. 

 

Mark Harvey wasn’t happy either. Not as unhappy as the time he’d sat on his sunglasses, thought they were ok then went to fold them up and realised the hinge was cracked on the arm...but he was pretty ticked off nonetheless.

 

Luckily he had a solution.

 

It was half time, it had rained quite a bit and Channel 7Two were playing a Better Homes & Gardens marathon.  All the Eagles supporters would have gone home or changed the channels. It was time to put the Suns back in their box. 

 

With no kids left to lure anywhere, in completely appropriate circumstances, Fremantle came out flying in the second half. They took the lead when Gary Ablett was completely beaten by Tendai Mzungu in the goal square but lost it again when a lairising Trent McKenzie pavliched another one, just shy of the wing. 

 

That was their last mistake. 

 

Mark Harvey pulled out the big key, stuck it into Hayden Ballantyne and gave it an extra couple of turns. The little bloke’s feet started moving like mad, only out paced by his mouth. He got on the end of a Mzungu bullet pass and very anticlimactically went back to take the shot at goals. The kick was perfect and Freo were back in the lead. 

 

He was still wound up enough to go again and when the wave of Fremantle players brought the ball back down into the forward line, he was bobbing up and down everywhere. Matera foolishly tried to tackle Ballantyne and fell into his trap. The free kick for a push in the back was paid, The Mayor kicked another goal, started a fight, then headed to the bench for a rewinding. 

 

He’d done the job firing up the crowd and his team mates though. They were looking a different side, and moment later The Purple Baron, Matt de Boer was into the goal kicking action with a beautiful pick up and some lovely footwork. Unfortunately no one was injured in the process. 

 

Fremantle were doing their best to embarrass the Suns after going out of their way to make them look good in the first half. Greg Broughton was everywhere, Stephen Hill was carving up the half back line with a level of nonchalance usually reserved for carnival folk. Griffin was dominating the ruck and looking magnificent around the ground, which had Sandilands pacing out the back of the stadium (firemen later cleared the top levels of the eastern stand due to structural issues) and Roger Hayden was looking like a young Derrick Kickett as he wandered around picking up kicks where he could find them (and what appeared to be half a hot dog someone had thrown over the fence).

 

Mzungu kicked his second goal, off the ground,  when Michael Johnson set him up with an 80 metre kick into the wind and pushed the Dockers out to a rapidly growing 20 point lead. But not content to dominate with the ball and build a handy lead, Mark Harvey wanted to do something to make sure as few of The Suns grew up to be footballer as possible. So they started flattening blokes. 

 

 

 

Silvagni put down Zac Smith like a sack full of puppies after Christmas, then he worked his magic on Peter Matera’s brothers’ kid and roughed up Jared Brennan just to keep his hand in. Hayden Ballantyne set his sights a bit higher and took out Gary Ablett (who made a miraculous recovery from near death once he realised the umpire had ignored his hysterics). Unfortunately Griffin’s attempt to run head  first into Swallow saw his head come off second best but Matt de Boer finished the job off for him. 

 

To rub salt into the many wounds, Nick Lower jumped over a couple of bodies and dobbed a late goal to break what was left of Gold Coast’s spirit going into the last quarter. 

 

As the teams headed into their huddles. Bluey McKenna was preparing to roll out a lot of talk about learning experiences and trying hard while Mark Harvey was firing up to give a lot of evil bloke from Karate Kid style, no mercy, motivational hype. He even brought his mini boom box out to play Pat Benatar songs. 

 

A few eyebrows were raised in the coach’s box, some were question whether Harvey should have stuck with a more traditional burst of Queen or Survivor - particularly after Gary Ablett’s kid kicked the opening goal of the game but his ability to get his players up, and sit in a room full of journalists without punching any of them, that earns him the big coaching dollars. 

 

There was no looking back after the Ablett goal. Michael Johnson returned to the VIP list at nightclubs with a spectacular mark and a glorious goal from the boundary line. Tendia Mzungu saved his best for last, with a mini screamer in the goal square and a perfectly guided kick with the wind, despite the close  proximity to goals. 

 

Josh Mellington was in danger of being a party to a breach of public decency laws after he kicked his first goal for Fremantle and was set upon by a dozen very affectionate men in purple.  And it was all wrapped up with a routine goal from Hayden Ballantyne where he took a diving mark, slid ten metres along the ground, jumped to his feet, sold a dummy then run into the goal square and spotted up his cousin in the stand for a goal and a free football (Matthew Pavlich 250th Game Ball now available on eBay. Just search for ballas87.).

 

When the siren sounded to end the day, Fremantle were 50 points the better side and a fight broke out amongst the Freo players to see who would get to chair Pavlich off the ground after being the first player at Fremantle to reach 250 games and the best of any number.  

 

Ballantyne won the fight (he cheats) but couldn’t be buggered carrying anyone (he just likes to win) so the honours fell to Grover and McPharlin who chaired him off to be drowned in Powerade as a mark of respect. On the downside, there is now no Powerade left in Western Australia. A spokesperson from Coca Cola saws a new shipment will be here Wednesday.  Try not to dehydrate till then.