In a move that the AFL considers a massive enhancement to the game, it has nominated West Coast Eagles Captain, Chris Judd for Australian of the Year. CEO of the AFL, Andrew Demetriou outlined their reasons for the decision. "Gees, Juddy's just awesome isn't he? There's just no better role model running around the comp. On top of that, he's a great bloke."

"I've been disappointed that some people wanted to cast aspersions on his character recently, but blokes like Campbell Brown will keep, we'll get onto him, don't you worry about that." When asked about Judd's suitability for such an award given the problems at the Eagles recently, Demetriou added deliriously, "Gees, Juddy's just awesome isn't he? On top of that, he's a great bloke. Look, the Eagles have had some issues; if we leave them alone to sort things out, it'll blow over. Ben's looking fantastic by the way, amazing what can be achieved in a month these days; he's shown terrific character through all this. Blokes like him are what this game is all about. So long as they keep winning, I don't see a problem here. They're just a hard running side that never worry the umpires much. Gees, I'd give them all a Brownlow if I had enough of them, but of course, that wouldn't be fair to Juddy."

It hasn't gone unnoticed the Eagles seem to get a good run from the umpires. We asked umpire's Director, Jeff Geishen, why he thinks that is. "Gees, that Juddy, he's awesome isn't he? Andrew tells me he's a top bloke too. I'm not surprised, every umpire we've rostered onto the Eagles says the same. He's impossible to tackle and never gives a free away. I've told my boys he's what this game is all about—a real ball player. Gieshen has raised eyebrows with his recent comments that "ball players" are looked after. "My boys rarely take their eyes off blokes like Juddy. That's how they manage to pick out those 50m frees 70m away from the play; there's blokes out there that scrag Juddy something terrible…did I mention he's a top bloke?" We asked Gieshen for a list of these ball players. "Now you're just being silly, the umpires know who they are. Look, if coaches are concerned, my door is always open." A number of coaches have tried Jeff's office, but said he was out to lunch.

Coach John Worsfold also endorsed Judd's nomination. "Gees, Juddy's just awesome, on top of that, he's a top bloke. I think this is just what the game needs." We asked Worsfold about Judd's recent eye gouging incident and whether this is damaging to the game. "I didn't see it to be honest. Besides, I asked Juddy about it and he told me it didn't happen. Now we've all seen the footage, I think that's pretty clear." What about players like Kerr being accused of bringing the game into disrepute? "I wouldn't say that to be honest," replied Worsfold. "Daniel has been a bit silly but I asked him about it, and I'm sure all of us have chucked up in a taxi before. Besides, look at how the whole thing has fired him up. If it weren't for the suspension for a knee to the head the other week, he'd still be challenging Juddy for the Brownlow." Well, what about Adam Selwood insulting Des Headland's daughter? "I didn't hear anything to be honest, I asked Adam about it, and he said Des didn't hear him properly." We reminded Worsfold the tribunal upheld the charges. They agreed Selwood's comments provoked Headland, yet found it wasn't chargeable, but Headland's response was. They just didn't issue any penalty. How does that work, John? "Sorry, what was that?"

This years new rules have also been questioned. The hands in the back rule will be renamed "touchy fingertips" next year, to more accurately reflect the type of contact the umpires keep paying. Commenting on its interpretation, Jeff Gieschen conceded it created difficulties, because an umpire in front couldn't see whether a player was touching an opponent's back. "We don't want the umpires to guess in that situation," he said. When it was suggested umpires seemed to be doing a lot of guessing, Geishen said, "Well, that's not my interpretation." This rule is great news for the umpire's second favourite team, Essendon. Ever since King James the Hird suggested they get short thrift from the umpires, and copped a $20,000 fine, Essendon's umpiring fortunes have improved immeasurably. Hird's comments surprised many observers, as Essendon were already so well protected, the World Wildlife Fund had put them on the endangered list. Not that Essendon's low-flying full forward Matthew "Highpants" Lloyd needed extra help. Lloyd's biggest fan is 6664 Louganis, a diving gold medallist at back-to-back Olympics. "Technically, he's the best I've seen", said Louganis, "but his artistic impression needs work. I'd give his legs a 10 too, they're yummy."

In contrast, Robert Walls' favourite team of "softies," Fremantle, have ironically been the most reported and suspended team this year. Fremantle has hardened up, just when the AFL wants footy to be the softest contact sport in the world. It's working, mothers are signing their kids up for AusKick and taking them away from more vicious sports, like Netball and Cheese Rolling. Fremantle has had to bolster their midfield with Gladys, their tea lady, and Chops, Paul Haselby's dog, due to 17 suspensions last weekend, and fines amounting to $747,000. Fremantle's hate-hate relationship with the umpires continued at the MCG last night, where Peter Bell was charged with running around the banner. The umpires said they interpreted this as a clear refusal of the AFL directive that players conduct themselves in the spirit of the game. Bell was previously considered a "Ball Player" until he upset the umpires in recent weeks with his exuberant goal celebrations. An unnamed umpire said, "Belly used to get on with the job, but lately his showboating has got out of hand…it's not the sort of thing that's good for the game." Andrew Demetriou said, "We're very disappointed in Peter Bell, there have been worrying signs for some time, particularly his stubbornness in leaving his socks rolled down, and we have to nip these things in the bud." The socks issue still rankles with Demetriou, who supported the last year's decision by the Western Bulldogs to fine two players $2500 each, for wearing short socks. Neither is he a fan of the long sleeve jumper. We asked him if he thought teams should forget about footy and set up a smart marching band? "Now you're just being ridiculous," he replied. "Besides, you're getting off the point, which is the problem down at Fremantle. There is obviously some culture, some poor regard for the game that has permeated Fremantle, and we're glad the umpires are weeding this stuff out."

Given the strong AFL response to Bell's outrageous display, the Match Review Panel has cited other Fremantle players from that game. Aaron Sandilands, their giant ruckman, was charged with having unfeasibly long arms and obstructing the opposing ruckman's vision at centre bounces. Matthew Pavlich was charged with attempting an unnecessary crowd-pleasing kick on goal from outside 50m, tight on the boundary. Josh Carr was handed 12 weeks for being a filthy, niggling little bastard, a new charge—which saw Matthew Carr also receive 3 weeks for being Josh's brother. Fremantle are not contesting any of the charges. "What the fuck is the point?" said Chris Connolly, immediately incurring another $15,000 fine. "Besides, Gladys and Chops get more possies than Jeff Farmer. The umps are too scared to report her because she reminds them of their Nan, and have you ever tried to get a footy back from a cattle dog?" But Demetriou says recent events only attest to the tribunal process. "Look, you've all seen that Fremantle have been causing problems for some time, and frankly, their brand of footy isn't what modern AFL is all about."

He is so convinced of the tribunal's integrity he believes there is a revenue opportunity by leasing it out on a consultancy basis. "The tribunal process we have in place is a fantastic model—it's world's best practice," he said. "We've seen what the Eagles have achieved by aligning themselves to non-football related revenue streams—selling shares in the club was a masterstroke, and that's probably where the future of this great game lies."

The AFL has set up a global marketing team to offer the tribunal process as a perception resolution service, and Demetriou says initial interest has been staggering. "We've had an inquiry from the families of Pol Pot, Colonel Gaddafhi and a representative of the Hussein family." We asked if he was aware many people might find this offensive. "Look, all I'm saying is there are two sides to every story and the tribunal process has shown itself to be pretty rigorous in dealing with contentious evidence." When asked if he'd thought of offering this service to George W. Bush, Demetriou laughed off the suggestion. "Come on fellas, of course, that's the sort of league we'd love to play in, but you know us footy blokes—one game at a time. Besides, I think Mr Bush has that area pretty well wrapped up; he got elected for a second term, didn't he?"