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Melbourne. They haven't won a game, they haven't even looked like winning a game, they've got no injures to speak of, they've got no young up and coming players, they've got so few supporters that the bookies are running the odds on how few people are going to turn up this weekend, they've got no money, they no longer have a home ground and the last time they won anything of note, they had to import an Irishman to do it.
For the first time in a decade, Melbourne are a team who are sitting winless on the bottom of the ladder and there hasn't been a whisper that they might be, as they locals like to cal it, tanking (which, incidentally, get's it' name from the tank loaf which also gets rolled every week). Usually the club itself will try and start a few rumours that they are playing for draft picks but even the traditionally delusional Melbourne administration know that nobody is going to buy that.
They are just useless.
It's not hard to see where Melbourne have gone wrong over the years. They've never bothered to look at the first names of their players. White, Bell, Buckley, McDonald, Miller, Green, Morton, Warnock, Frawley, Carroll, Smith on paper that could be a menacing team. In reality, it's a team cobbled together over many years in a desperate attempt to avoid a forfeit and a permanent trip to the museum of failed sporting teams, alongside the Melbourne Monarchs, the South East Melbourne Magic and the North Melbourne Kangaroos.
There's even a bloke calling himself Russell Robertson who looks similar but has shown none of the talent of his name sake. Rumour has it that when they recruited Fremantle's former coach they actually thought they were picking up the old Wallabies coach. And who knows what they were thinking about when they drafted Colin Garland.
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This season has become so embarrassing for Melbourne that the AFL has began serious talks to introduce a mid-season relegation system. The way it would work is that Melbourne go down to a lower division. That’s it.
Seems like a flawless plan and it’s hard to see how anyone loses in the deal. Obviously this week, Fremantle will be doing its best to help the AFL see through its vision by breaking continuing the grand old tradition of flogging Melbourne.
But, while it's easy to stick your head over the fence and point at the freaks next door, Fremantle aren't without their own problems.
The club has been going through what some might cause a mini crisis, with the cornerstones of their defence, Antoni Grover and Roger Hayden, suffering injuries in the clash against Geelong last weekend. Late nights and early mornings have seen the Dockers’ brains trust trying to work out how they deal with the situation - will they take a risk with their health and leave them in Perth or will they rest them and let them play against Melbourne.
Let’s face it, the cliche is that you shouldn't get complacent no matter who the opposition but, were it not for the knee jerk reaction to the interchange rules, Fremantle could have literally phoned this game in. Sitting back at the Sail & Anchor while they send text messages to kids in purple jumpers telling them wear to run (a technique which many believe the Crazy Frog uses to help Daniel Gilmore). The result is just a formality. What will get the Melbourne supporter through the gates will be the individual performances from the Fremantle stars.
For the past two weeks Aaron Sandilands' work has been scary. In the past, you've only have to drive within ear shot of the Town of East Fremantle to hear someone tell you about their dreams for Aaron Sandilands. A seven foot tall Brian Peake who's only fear is leaving survivors that may one day raise an army against him. Some may think that lofty expectations to put on a 13 year old kid but, like most products of the Moss Street factory works, he's grown up and managed to live up them (all except the part where he would rip his opponents head off and feast on the goo inside, the tribunal is cracking down on that this season).
Geelong made a mistake last week , they made Matthew Pavlich mad. The last time he got mad was on a cold Sunday afternoon in 2005. He snapped when he was denied natural justice from the umpires for the gazillionth time. The result was 28 goals in the next 6 games, tearing the opposition limb from limb as the rage pumped through his veins. Last week when the ball hit the post to cost Fremantle the game, he got that same look in his eye. Later that night he drove back to Subiaco Oval, he punched that goal post till his knuckles bled and then dragged its carcass out to the desert to bury it - a fate Nathan Carroll will be begging for by the time the Dockers captain is through with him.
And, as always, there's Jeff Farmer, or Jeffery Farmer as Glen Jakovich knows him. Quiet, unassuming, never one to speak up - descriptions you don't want to hear when someone is talking all things Wiz. He's been keeping his magical powder dry for much of this year, with an eye on peaking come the last week of September. But, against his old team, he'll never be able to hold himself back when he walks out onto the MCG on Sunday and imagines what it will be like when there are people in it. If Pavlich drops anything, The Wiz will be onto it on Sunday. Expect all the tricks to get a run as he prepares for Fremantle's return to the ground in early Spring.
And who knows who else will put their hand up with such little opposition. With Fremantle bringing in so many young stars of late, it’s hard to know which one is going to make Jeff White look the goosiest. Then again, there’s a lot of experience in the side who will also be looking forward to making a goose of Jeff White. It’s just to hard to predict what will happen. Perhaps they’ll all make him look like a goose.
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