 | Cunning strategy, sharp skills, team work and blokes as fit as buggery are the weapons Fremantle will be calling on when they take West Coast in the NAB Cup Derby. Injuries, off field distractions, the lunar calendar and preparing for round one will be the excuses West Coast will call on when they lose to Fremantle in the Preseason Derby. It's a certainty. | | It seems that at this time of the year, the Eagles have always got a safety net in place. They're either concentrating on the premiership season or they don't want to have to travel or they've been cut down by crippling injuries to middle aged rookies. All these excuses are cobbled together by the marketing department in case they lose, all the while planning an all out assault on the pre-season cup. Their net held up beautifully last year when Fremantle pulled their pants down in the first round of the cup and sent them packing for central Australia, although it was a lot harder to explain away the next two floggings that Fremantle handed out to them in the season proper. This week has marked the first in what most football experts believe will be a long season of excuse making from John Worsfold, his staff/members of his family. Everyone has been forced come to accept that the rest of the AFL were caught napping last year and, somehow, let the Eagles steal a cup and a flag out of the AFL safe. In many ways, it's fairly easy to take because deep down we all know that it's just going to make the inevitable fall all the more painful for them. | | We've all seen the results of a night out with the Eagles, so you can imagine what they feel like the next morning. That's nothing compared to the Premiership hangover we're going to see from this mob over the next few years. They've got an aging midfield and a reluctant captain with one eye on Melbourne and the other on a local weather person (there's still some doubt as to which weather person), a spine that looks like it was ripped out of Christopher Reeve then beaten over the back of Louise Sauvage’s wheelchair, a forward line consisting of a depth perception impaired full forward who can't kick and a bloke who was declared fit once he slimmed down enough to be able to fit through the players race and a that's flooded so often, Colin Barnett has started digging canal out of it.
It won't take too long before the rest of the competition follow Fremantle's lead and start realising that they're easy beats to be treated with the all respect of a snotty tissue under the front seat of someone else’s car.
Meanwhile, down at the port, Fremantle have been going about their business with the focus of a French super villain in an American film. Training hard, staying out of trouble, putting all their energy into preparing to get the footy and kick the footy through the big sticks.
Matthew Pavlich took the captaincy off Peter Bell before Christmas and fashioned it into some sort of metaphorical cape. Huge crowds have been showing up at Fremantle Oval just to see The Pav train. He's faster, stronger and he’s going to absolutely tear the AFL in two this year. He's looking so good, Jimmy the Greek has actually hocked his counterfeiting machine and put the money on Pav for the Brownlow because he reckons it's an easier way to make a dollar.
Brett Peake has been lifting weights in his sleep, running while he eats, eating while he lifts weights and sleeping while runs. He's now huge, he's quick, he's skilled and, not just because his name is Peake, he's moved into favouritism for the Clinton Wolf Medal. After he doe-see-does around whichever of the Brownlow medalists are game to show up on Sunday his price is expected to shorten further.
Despite all his extra training, the big factor in Peake's development as All Australian Rover will come from the All Australian ruckman, Aaron Sandilands. Not many thought it possible but Sandilands has gotten bigger. In fact, Sandilands is so big, there are suspicions he's actually five blokes joined together Voltron style. DNA tests were being carried out to make sure all parts of his body are actually the same person but the tester mysteriously disappeared when he mistakenly showed up at Sandilands house for dinner. All they found of him were his clothes and 10 empty packets of Continental Pasta & Sauce.
Another player who's had a big pre-season from the East Fremantle production line is Paul Hasleby. He's dropped three X's off his shorts size and has got himself so thin he's been nicknamed The Carpenter after Richard's sister. With his back in good order and the umpires cracking down on tagging, he'll be one of the main rivals to Peake and Sandilands in their quest for the Clinton Wolf Medal this year.
Despite the trimmed down Hasleby looking like a new recruit, the only new face Fremantle supporters will see this week is Dean Solomon. Never before in the history of football has a player had so much pressure put on him to hospitalise the opposition. It's a clever tactic the Dockers have been working on after Chris Connolly saw the episode of Happy Days where Fonzie explained to Richie that he didn't have to fight anymore because the other guy always backed down. Dean Solomon's bone crunching antics have had so much publicity that he'll waltz his way through the Eagles midfield like Mosses through the Red Sea. The Eagles players are so petrified of the bloke, they'll be jumping for shelter as soon as they see him move in their direction. Just to tip the balance, Solomon is expected to walk out to the centre of the ground handing out Will Kits to the Eagles players before the siren.
If they weren't a bunch of scarf wearing, chardonnay sipping, poncing about in four wheel drive, northern suburb loving soulless freaks, you'd almost feel sorry for the Eagles supporters. As it is, we'll be taking bets on when they're shipping their club off to the glue factory. At the moment they're odds on to be in a bottle of Clag by June.
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