 | Normally at this time of the week, this space is reserved for a preview into the coming game of football between the Dockers and which ever stooges are foolish enough to take them on but this week, the insightful look into the key strengths and weaknesses of the two sides will not appear. Instead, there is a pressing matter regarding the Dockers upcoming opponents which must be addressed forthwith. | | Instead of swanning about telling the WA government how to run things, Andrew Demetriou needs to start looking after his own backyard. First he bollockses up the game with stupid rules stolen from, of all people, the Irish, then he gets involved in shady real estate deal with a club he is supposed to be punishing for the biggest rort in Australia that doesn’t involve Saddam Hussein, but worst of all he has continued to look the other way while Geelong flout one of the most sacred institutions in team sport of any kind. It's an outrage what the Cats have been up to over the pre-season and something needs to be done before a precedent is set and other teams follow suit. If you're not aware of what's been happening down at Kardinia Park you may have to compose yourself before reading on. Make sure you haven't just eaten and, for the love of all that's good in the world, don't let any children see this. Ready? Geelong have been playing two blokes with red hair in the same team. | | It's well understood that each team is only allowed to play one Blood Nut at a time, sometimes an exception will be made for family members, but on the whole it's accepted that the greater public should not be subjected to these genetic freaks in any more than very small doses – unless of course they are holding them above their heads and about to hurl them into an active volcano.
Geelong have not only been playing Cameron Ling and Nick Batchelor but they've been starting them on the ground together – in full view of women and children. It's obscene.
Worst of all, they've been dishonest about it. We all know what Cameron Ling looks like. We all know he is a hideous, soulless, freckle faced monster that, by all rights, should have been thrown into an active volcano at birth. So why on earth did they think they could fool us by getting him to dye his hair blonde. Even the bleach knew it was wrong and the hair turned out a weird orange cream colour. It's like trying to cover up severe body odour with deodorant, it just can't handle the job and the result is some kind of Super B.O.
It's not right. There's a reason why the traffic light that signals proceed with caution is orange. It's because these freaks are dangerous. Aside form the nausea and stomach cramps they cause, they sneak up on you and before you know it you’re lying in a pool of your own blood - praying that it doesn’t stain your hair and you end up like one of them.
It's like going swimming at the beach and getting caught in a rip. There's nothing to tell you that you're in any danger until it's too late. No one looks at a freckle faced orange haired weirdo and thinks danger. They think pity, they think sorrow, they may even think ‘where's the nearest active volcano’ but they rarely expect any trouble. So, when a player like Ling decides he's going to be a tough man, he catches people off guard - and that's when serious injuries can happen.
When there's one of these Fanta pants in the side, it's a manageable situation. You can keep an eye on the bloke with the orange hair fairly easily - it's not like he's hard to spot but when there's a couple of them, and one of them is working in disguise, you're at their mercy. One could be tackling you from behind and the other one pops up in front of you and rubs his vile hair in your face - and that's a breach of the Geneva convention right there.
Worse still, when a good honest brunette like Matthew Carr goes up against the likes of Ling at the tribunal, the tribunal take the side of the red headed weirdo, partly out of sympathy but mostly because they don’t want to have to look at him any longer than is possible,
Reprehensible though it is, this two headed monster tactic has been working with some success for Geelong in recent weeks. They’ve cruised through to the semi finals of the NAB Cup and their confidence is sky high. But be warned Geelong. There was a time when a club tried a similar trick to the one at Geelong.
Not surprisingly the common element was a man by the name of Brian Cook. In his time at the West Coast Eagles, they tried a similar stunt. Guy McKenna was well regard by the community, despite his genetic flaws and horrid appearance, proving that just about anybody can make it in the game of Aussie Rules if they work hard enough. Nobody had a problem with "Bluey" running around on the half back line like a seagull feeding on the good work of Michael Brennan, Andrew Lockyer and Chris Waterman.
Things were going quite well. They were winning games - they even picked up a couple of flags
But there was another player at the Eagles during this time by the name of Karl Langdon. Karl had peroxided blonde hair. People just assumed Karl's hair colour was a result of him being an attention seeking galah but it turned out that he was hiding a secret so horrible that he was prepared to look like Yazz rather than admit to it. Karl was a Carrot Top, a Jaffa Head, a Ginger Nut, a Fanta Pants - a monster by any other name.
Once his secret was revealed, his career went into a rapid spiral and now the only work he can get is on the radio where people can't see his head. The club too went into a rapid decline and only started to improve when the last of their red heads was sent packing. Some say that club is still cursed, and who could deny it. They haven’t won anything since and their players spend more time in the front of the paper than the back.
So what are the AFL going to do about this situation? Most normal, rational people would suggest deregistration of the club with all the players being thrown into an active volcano just in case they've been infected somehow. Other, more radical hippy types would suggest that one of the players be immediately cut from the list - preferably Cameron Ling…and then thrown into an active volcano.
Either way, it's an issue that won't go away. The AFL have to act on this quickly and effectively. They have to take a united stance against multiple Jaffa Heads playing in the same side. If not, it's only a matter of time before some poor kid, being exposed to this kind of filth for the first time, vomits themselves to death.
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