Fremantle got a shock when they walked off the plane and into Melbourne. An AFL official handed Chris Connolly a note telling them they were allowed to set foot inside Telstra Dome before the opening bounce of the match. It was the first time they’d even been given permission to wander through the carpark there.

 

Another shock came when they arrived at the ground. As they took their stroll around the ground the players noticed that the surface was covered with a strange grass like substance which, on closer inspection, turned out to be grass. They’d only been invited to play at the Dome in the middle of winter before and had just assumed it was an artificial surface made up of dirt and green paint.

And the shocks kept coming. After opening the season at a choc-a-bloc Subiaco Oval, running out to a stadium occupied by just Kangaroos players’ family and friends threw them a bit. Not because it was empty but because normally the crowd at a Kangaroos game is just family – their membership drive must be working.

Some things never change though and, after a scrappy opening few minutes, the umpires were back into their Freo bashing best (now operating under the guise of ‘interpretation”) and handed the Roos a couple of soft goals.

It took a little while for the Dockers to get back into the rhythm of the two rule system again, but eventually they accepted their lack of neck, back and heads and opened their scoring with a magnificent goal from Paul Duffield, starting at half back, using the resources of Sanidlands and Hayden before finishing off with the six pointer.

It was such a huge run, Sandilands was buggered just watching it and, when the ball returned to the centre, he didn’t have the energy to go on. So, he decided to smash the ball in the direction of goals and let the little blokes work it out for themselves. The littlest bloke available was Peter Bell who had seen the big fella puffing and knew what was coming. He bolted out of the centre, picked up the ball on the edge of the square and saw the big sticks looming on the horizon. With a thousand bucks up for grabs for a goal outside fifty, his eyes lit up. The kids from P'ohang Junior Football club were glued to their tv in Korea, this could be their big chance to buy a football. He unloaded from 60 metres out, the ball went up, up, up, then very quickly down. Luckily Pavlich had read the situation perfectly and marked the ball 40 metres out where he was able to finish the job and put the Dockers into the lead.

It was the last straight kick Pav had for the quarter as he and his team mates peppered the goals for the next ten minutes, each out doing their team mate’s previous effort at missing. Aaron Sandilands brought the house down with a screamer in the goal square but managed to miss from an arm length out from goals. 

A lucky bounce saw Campbell sneak one through before the quarter time siren and the Roos took advantage of Fremantle’s goal kicking to go into the first change two points up. But, as all West Australians will know from hearing the wash up from last week’s derby, the score is over rated compared to the much more relevant ‘shots on goals’ figure which had Fremantle up by 2.

The second quarter started in familiar style. Peter Bell and Aaron Sandilands sent a signal to the rest of the competition that they were set to become the most devastating combination since Dale Kickett’s left and right fists. A swat out of the sky at half forward went twenty metres into the arms of Bell who slotted through his first of the day to get the Dockers back into the lead on the ‘traditional’ scoreboard.

A mix up with his birth certificate saw an umpire call South Australian Matthew Pavlich for throwing and Leigh Brown finally benefited from Pavlich being at Fremantle  by kicking a goal but it didn’t take long before Ryan Murphy took the lead back when Peter Bell handpassed to him in the goal square.

A free kick was used to curb Aaron Sandilands dominance out of the center which put the Fremantle defense under a bit of pressure. It was the Kangaroos turn to test the fitness of the goal umpire as they got the best of Fremantle for a few minutes. A rebound off the goal post caught the Freo backs off guard and saw Lindsay Thomas do what all good goal sneaks do – sneak through a goal - and a freak goal from Djaran Whyisthereajinyourfirst nameman had the Kangaroos slipping ahead by 11 points.

It wasn’t a scoreline that would have had the Fremantle players worried. They’d been taking it easy, getting a feel for the ground and rotating through the bench to make sure Hasleby didn’t drink all the orange cordial again.  When Jeff Farmer wandered back onto the ground and noticed the scoreboard, he chased down the ball, threw it on his boot, soaked up the mysterious pre-season booing from the North Melbourne crowd and watched as Paul Duffield marked his kick and dobbed Fremantle’s fifth.

With Jeff Farmer on the ground, the Kangaroos knew they had to do something or he was going to destroy them. So they let Fremantle get the ball into their forward fifty by cleaning up Ryan Crowley then, when Farmer went up to take a mark, Riggio lined him up and barreled straight into his chest. Farmer went down but the ball spilled to Paul Hasleby who snapped it through for his first of the day.

Sensing his combined feelings of injustice and concussion, the Fremantle players rushed to Farmer’s aid to help calm him down and keep him upright.  It only took one to keep him upright but unfortunately it took quite a few to calm him down and, while the 10 blokes were holding him back, Shannon Grant kicked a so called Supergoal to put the Roos 8 points up heading into the break.  

But, as most of the Kangaroos players wound down to half time, they too were caught off guard as an even more laid back than usual Justin Longmuir sauntered into action. A lazy couple of dummies, a blind turn a faked handpass and JLo had dobbed goal of the pre-season to peg it back and bring the Dockers within 2 points at half time.

As all West Australian’s know from hearing the wash up from last week’s derby, though,  Supergoals don’t really count so the Dockers were a point up in real terms or 7 points up using the highly sophisticated Jakomatics system which removed the full 9 pointer from history all together.

As the Dockers went down into the rooms, they saw the faces on the Kangaroos supporters.  Full of hope and anticipation yet in such small numbers with knitted guernseys and home made flags. The pathetic sight really touched them. So Chris Connolly gathered the team together in the rooms and told the boys to pull up short in the third quarter so the Roos supporters could have a tiny thrill and maybe push their membership up into a 4 digit figure.

So, when play started again, Fremantle benched a few of their stars and the others stood back as the Roos put through the next five goals to get a handy buffer. With all the betting scandals about the place at the moment, when Leigh Brown started kicking goals the Fremantle hierarchy started to worry that it was all looking a bit suspicious and, if you think a small, monkey like jockey is going to get hard time in jail, imagine what they’d do to a chubby bloke in three quarter length pants and a purple shirt who likes to tell people he’s super excited.  So, to keep up appearances, Ryan Murphy’s laser guided boot went into action and Jeff Farmer performed a small miracle to get Fremantle a less suspicious 26 points down at the last change.

All the Fremantle players felt really bad about having to put a dampener on the Kangaroos party. The Roos were off to the Gold Coast next week and it’d be nice for the locals to have a reason to show up. So they decided they’d let the Roos get a few early goals and then let the game wind down to a close.

So they let Harvey, Brown and Campbell put through the opening three goals of the quarter. Everything was going to plan, the Roos had a handy lead, Fremantle were getting a bit of run into their legs and making it look like they were trying and, of course, even though they weren’t in on the plan, the umpires were doing their bit to make sure the Dockers didn’t get a break..

Then the Rooboys started getting cocky. They started to rough the Fremantle players up, knock blokes over, take advantage of the umpires by diving and holding phantom wounds on their heads. When Daniel Wells decided he’d give Josh Carr a clothesline, Fremantle changed their benevolent tune.  It was time to put these blokes back in their Good Sammy’s collection box.

Josh Carr started it off with his first goal of the day, then Andrew Browne kicked one a foot short of Supergoal distance to close the gap to 20 points. Jeff Farmer had been waiting to have the handbrake removed for a long time and he hunted the ball at half forward before picking it up, spinning around and dragging the Dockers another 6 points closer.

The Dockers were in full flight now. Delusions of grandeur saw Brett Peake attempt a Supergoal and, surprising everyone but himself, got within 10 meters of it. Jeff Farmer seemed to have seen it coming and was on the spot, shook off a couple of taggers and soccered through goal his third. It was a Supergoal the difference.

With a couple of minutes left on the clock, the Fremantle forward line suddenly cleared out as all the players lined themselves up along the fifty metre arch (all except Pavlich who had buggered off for a drink). They spent the next couple of minutes taking pot shots from outside fifty but, with the entire Kangaroos side lined up along the half forward line like the Swiss Guard, it was proving harder than first thought.  

With seconds left on the clock, Antoni Grover worked his way into the clear. He looked down at the ball, dropped it on his boot and swung his leg with all his might but the sound of the ball hitting the leather was drowned out by the siren ending  Fremantle’s run at the Dance with your sister cup for another year.