The story goes that, one cold day last July, Cameron Schwab was on his way back to Fremantle Oval after doing some charity work at a local soup kitchen when he happened across Trevor Nisbett waiting outside the courthouse. Trevor explained that he was just waiting for a bus and, once Schwabby politely changed the subject, the two got talking about the weather. They’d just reached the consensus that it was bloody cold when Nissy had one of his legendary brainstorms. (or “Red Army Ideas” as they call them down Subiaco way).

“We should play this game in the summer, Schwabby.”

“Just picture it. A beautiful balmy evening, a packed Subiaco Oval and us sucking squirt up in the corporate boxes.”

So, they agreed to organise a Derby for February and that’s how Fremantle and the Eagles wound up running onto Subiaco Oval at 7 o’clock on a Sunday night in 35 degree temperatures.

Maybe he was just trying to get away from Trevor Nisbett as quickly as he could, but Schwabby should have known better when he told the Dockers CEO

“We’ll organise the umpires, you bring the beers”

Aside from the fact that no one at the Eagles will drink beer unless it’s imported from a country with a foreign monarch and uses letters with little squiggles above them, the umpires Nissy had brought were well drilled on the fact that none of the new pushing in the back rules were to apply to Jeffery Eugene Farmer.  Despite the Dockers dominating and feeding Farmer with a precision far out of place in February football, Daniel Chick was pushing and jumping into Farmer so much, you could have been excused for thinking he was wearing a sign over his head that read Taxi - Vacant.

No such problem for the Eagles and they put through a couple of goals which, had they been nine point supergoals, would have seen $1000 go to the junior club which the men with the whistles first officiated at.

With all their scrapping and cheating and free kick milking, they’d certainly worked hard to get their goals though, so it must have come as a frightening surprise when Matthew Pavlich lazily leaned back from the centre square and dobbed a genuine Supergoal from 90 metres out. The crowd went mad for it and some kiddies in South Australia picked up a grand to spend on a nice drop of red and a block of Camembert to replace the tradition oranges at the half time breaks this year.

While the Eagles players did their sums to see what 9 points did to their illgotten lead, Fremantle set about settling the game down. Aaron Sandilands muscled his way into the ruck while  Roger Hayden and James Walker installed train tracks down either wing and were moving the ball up the ground with world’s best practice. Were it not for Justin Longmuir’s refusal to send grown men into fits of homosexuality, the Dockers would have led by a few. Unfortunately the Fred Nile types have been in his ear and Fremantle went into the first break 7 points down – but happy in the knowledge that Dean Solomon had already managed to knock out two Eagles and he’d done it without even touching them.

Over at the Eagles camp there was a bit of trouble brewing. Apparently there was a mix up at the quarter time address. In light of yet another off field run in with the law enforcement community, John Worsfold was handed a note by one of the club’s lawyers just prior to the siren. Now, it’s a little known fact that Woosha suffers from a mild case of dyslexia. So, unfortunately, he read to the players what he thought said - the club would like all the players to stay as far away from goal as possible.  

Bloody hell they’re a disciplined lot at the Eagles.  One word from Woosha and they stayed as far away from the big sticks as possible. Fremantle were running rampant in the second quarter. Drummy bombed one from outside fifty, sending a thousand dollars over to some kids in country Victory to deck themselves out in the best moccasins and acid wash jeans money can buy. The Eagles just stuck to the plan.

A fifty metre long, 3 metre high pass from Aaron Sandilands put a hole in Crowley’s chest before he stretched the lead out to 8 points. The Eagles stuck to the plan.

Andrew Browne bobbed up after a 3 year stint helping put the club doctor’s kid through University to kick a couple of goals back to back. The Eagles stuck to the plan.

Even Aaron Sandilands was getting in on the act, kicking one from the goal square, and the Eagles still refused to defy their coach and kick a goal. It must have come as a bit of a shock to them when they returned to their changerooms at halftime, 24 points down, with Woosha giving the nastiest of his many subtle degrees of glare.

Generally speaking, Chris Connolly prefers fruity language to glaring but, aside from a few missed shots on goals and the odd February/March kick, he would have kept the language in the range of a post Doctor Doolittle Eddie Murphy movie. The defenders were coping well with the new netball inspired rules and moving the ball down the ground at an alarming rate, the tackling was ferocious, the skills were inch perfect and there were so many targets bobbing up in the forward line, Chris Tarrant might find himself black and blue on his way back from injury.

Back in the Eagles Room, Woosha was making the most of his extended half time break to vary his glare between angry and frustrated. Unfortunately he forgot to actually say anything so, when the players went back onto the ground, they still hadn’t realised his earlier mistake.

Fremantle returned in the third quarter where they’d left off. Running amok in the centre and making the Eagles look like the rabble we all know they are. Ryan Crowley looked embarrassed with the ease he snapped his second goal to stretch the lead out to 30 points. Ryan Murphy took the most from being the fourth tall in an undefendable Fremantle forward line and almost got the giggles when he took an uncontested mark in the goal square and kicked a goal to send the Range Rover brigade sneaking out the back door.

Fremantle players could sense they had it in the bag. They started queuing up to kick 9 pointers, take speckies and bait Eagles into taking a swing at them.  In other words, oit was business as usual in a modern derby.

Then it happened. The unthinkable. Someone broke ranks. Maybe it was because it was his first game and he didn’t quite understand just how mean Woosha could stare at him if he did the wrong thing but, when he was given a soft free kick in front of goals,  Ben McKinley couldn’t resist putting the goal through.

Back at the other end, Jlo finally gave the fellas a chance to “experiment” when he kicked Fremantle’s 9th for the day but it was the Eagles falling apart that was the real talking point. AN even softer free kick saw Staker get a similar chance to kick a goal. Most people assume he was trying to miss and is simple rubbish at kicking but the Staker goal saw the Eagles get their second and bridge the gap to just 5 goals.

Obviously a quick learner, Dean Solomon realised that the Eagles needed to be buried into the dirt both literally and metaphorically and kicked his first goal for Fremantle to settle any of the remaining pre-Connolly nerves and take his side into into the last break well over double the Eagles score.

With the game won halfway through the third, there was little left for Fremantle to do but see how many players could rake in the thousand dollars for their junior footy club with a Supergoal. Pavlich had a couple of cracks but fell just short and had to settle for the 6’s. Jeff Farmer ducked and weaved and slotted it through for what was certainly a super goal but even the oratory skills of the great man couldn’t convince the NAB to hand over the money for a 10 metre goal.
 
Sadly, before anyone managed to get the cash, Scrooge Connolly pulled up stumps and started bringing players from the ground. That meant that the Eagles were finally able to kick a few goals which, in a pre-season game you’ve already lost, is probably the equivalent to line dancing with your lesbian sister.

With a couple of Dockers still left on the ground though, Fremantle were able to have one last crack at the money and this time with spectacular results. Adam Campbell scored some Rugby tops and Playlamb magazines for some kids back in New Zealand with a huge bomb from what he’s now telling people was suvunty sux metres and Des Headland finally managed to put one of his attempts through earning some Subiaco Kids a thousand dollars so they can all get their cars washed and detailed.

The siren finally put the Eagles out of their misery with the Dockers winning by 37 points, a bit lower than usual but it is only the pre-season after all.